In this busy life, we all have certain plans to relax or have fun, especially when it comes to a weekend. But do we always follow them? Nope. And one of the biggest reasons for it is because our family or friends wanted to do something else. So, we swallow the hard pill and hop on the bandwagon.
What’s interesting is the prevalence of this phenomenon beyond fun, from making business decisions at work to planning policies for the nation. And mostly it is not even planned but comes naturally to us. But why do we do so and what are its implications?
A Journey Back in Time!
Let’s go 1 million years back in time. There’s a caveman whom we will call John, living in a tribe of 15. John is smart but often comes off as a troublemaker. He points out risks in every action of the group, and sometimes even revolts. And one such day, as John points out how bad the last hunt tasted, the group leader gets angry and kicks him out. Now banished from the tribe’s safety, John finds himself hunting and sleeping alone. And after surviving for a week like this, one day, as he is drinking water from a nearby stream, John gets killed by a saber-tooth tiger.
Since affiliation to a group could be the difference between life and death, seeking a sense of belonging became a great motivator for anyone who did not want to end up like John. Additionally, as repercussions of being out of sync from a group could be fatal, conformity became a prerequisite.
Fast forward to today, where even though progress has ensured that one can survive even alone, our brains are still tuned to seek belonging with groups. And while groups are undoubtedly essential for society, our blind conformance with them does more harm than good.
The Price We Pay
Let’s say you have 5 close friends who are all movie buffs and party animals, and while you don’t mind these activities, you are more into reading. But by the virtue of being in this group, you are likely to spend most of your free time watching movies and partying. The stronger your sense of conformance, the more of you will sacrifice your passions for the group.
Run this hypothetical scenario for a few years and you would have lost most of your life in activities that don’t even contribute to your goals, let alone leaving you fulfilled. Go further to your deathbed, and all you have is regret. But sadly this is not far from reality. You can easily find people who have lived this way, giving away all of their time to different circles (family, friends, colleagues, etc.) they belong to, while they could have used that time to work on their dreams.
This is the cost of short-sightedness, just like the Marshmallow experiment we saw in Level 1. The hunger for a sense of belonging is sometimes so strong that we are ready to give up on the future that our dreams promise. We would rather miss out on our dreams than handle the fear of missing out (FOMO) from our group’s activities.
But this can be changed if we remember our power: the power to choose.
The Primitive Mind
In the 1990s, anthropologist Robin Dunbar found a correlation between our brain size and average social group size. He found that we can maintain stable social relationships with around 150 people (though the range is proposed to be from 100 to 250). This is aligned with the size of primitive tribes as well as the size of a single unit in the Roman army as well as a company in the modern armies. But even more interesting is how it affects us.
On average, we are able to keep in touch with 150 people, including our family, friends, and even the people we follow virtually. If you imagine the amount of importance and time you give to everyone in your life, these are the top 150 people. For our monkey mind, these 150 people form our tribe.
Keeping in touch with someone also means their beliefs and ideas rub off on us, which in turn shapes our personality. The closer we are to someone, the more we get influenced. This is especially valid for the closest 5 people, as Dunbar found, to whom we devote 40% of our social time.
Over time, our thoughts and actions become dyed with the color of our tribe. People emulating their idols are the case in point. A hip-hop star’s fan starts behaving like their idol, while a wrestler’s fan might adopt a hardy lifestyle. Usually, it’s a mix of all our idols that shapes different aspects of our personality.
The problem is that most people do not think consciously about their tribe. Whoever comes first becomes a close friend, and whichever famous personality they follow since youth becomes an idol. Such people navigate through life in automatic mode. But if we want to change our lives, we need to take control.
Build Your Tribe
The solution is simple: Consciously choose your tribe of 150.
Remember that your tribe comprises people whom you spend the most time with, both physically and virtually. The “physicals” comprise family and others whom you meet frequently while “virtuals” are the ones you are connected to via other mediums, like shows, books, social media, etc.
The process of building your tribe can be summarized with the ICE method.
1. Identify:
List down the 150 people on top of your mind
Consider what qualities of these people push you towards growth and fulfillment
Research more people outside your tribe who have walked the path of your goals
2. Curate:
From the list of your 150, strike off the people who are distracting or neutral for your growth
Replace the removed people with the new people you researched. Re-rank the list
Establish a relationship with the new members of the tribe – could be a meet, following on social media, or reading their books
3. Emulate & Exchange:
Follow the lessons and way of life of your tribe members
Emulate the best aspects of each one’s personality in different areas of your life
If you know the person, find out how you can add value to them. This will help you create a feedback loop with them as you push each other to grow
But removing old friends in the ICE method seems pretty cold, right? 😉
No need to feel guilty. Remember, you only live once. Any relationship you keep requires you to invest time in it out of your single precious life! If it’s acceptable for a smart person to not invest money in the shares of a sub-par company, then why keep a hypocritical attitude for the ultimate currency of time?