As children approach the age of one year, a great psychological change initiates in them. A sense of self rises, and by the age of three they start labeling things as “mine” vs “yours.” As they grow further, a bigger question comes up, “Who am I?”
The sense of self is core to operate in a civilized society, where we assume different roles and responsibilities, working together for humanity’s progression. And when we meet someone new, the first thing we ask is, “Tell me more about yourself?” or its blunt variant, “Who are you?”
Usually, people tell their name, then they tell the story of where they were born, their hobbies, maybe a job, and so on. But there is a problem. While we all give a basic response to others for this question, something feels wrong with that answer. In fact, the more conscious a person is, the more they struggle to answer, “Who am I?”
The Voids We Hate
Every human sets on the search for self at some point in their lives. But this search is no easy quest. Many people give up midway, leaving a void within, an emptiness that they try to fill or ignore.
Not knowing the “I” feels dangerous. We feel anxious, numb, and life seems a struggle. In such a case, we are primarily left with two options:
Ignore the question “Who am I?”: All we need is a way to numb the mind, and society offers uncountable ways, from alcohol to overwork.
Do things to feel alive: Anything that adds thrill to life is welcome, from climbing a mountain to fighting for a good cause.
None of these activities is “good” or “bad.” If you feel like drinking or climbing a mountain, then do it. Live free. But be aware of the reason behind your actions, especially the unconscious reason. If you climb a mountain because unconsciously you want to escape from your emptiness, there is a problem. The thrill will eventually fade away, and the question will creep up to you.
And this is where most of the world’s problems start…
And the Cages We Create
Let us start with “flat-earthers,” the group of people who believe that earth is flat. Many of them even go to great lengths to fight anyone who tells that earth is round, including scientists and space photographs. What do you think is the reason?
This proverb describes the situation aptly, “You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.” It’s not about their ability to understand the scientific argument. It’s about their lack of willingness. But why?
Most people, as they run from their emptiness, realize that it is impossible to escape. So, what do they do? They run to the extremes, as far as they can. They cling on to anything that makes them feel alive, that makes them feel comfortable, an identity.
As we grow, we come across numerous things and experiences in life. Some of these end up becoming our comfort zones, things that we use to define our self, our identity. And it can have any form: a childhood injury, the street we grew up in, our childhood toy, a football club, or a religion. Eventually, we start using our identity ((or identities) as the answer to “Who am I?” The void starts to fill and we feel comfortable. But then life happens.
As time passes, life challenges our identity. The friendships fade, old streets change, and the scars heal. But we are already so invested in our identity that any challenge to it feels like an attack on self. We do anything to protect it, even if it means fighting the whole world.
With this understanding, if you empathize with the flat-earthers, it’s obvious that they are not going to change easily, especially when this idea has been one of the cornerstones of their childhood memories, religion, family visits to the church, and many other relationships formed there. It’s all that they know.
If we think rationally, when life challenges our identity, it simply means that our identity is holding us back from growth. A change in time leads to a change in reality, which eventually calls for a change in identity. But we are lazy and afraid. We hold on to our identity, resisting any change. But resistance only causes more pain.
As time passes, we become prisoners of our own identity. What was meant to save us now holds us back from experiencing life. So, what is the right answer to “Who am I?”
The Frustrating Hide And Seek
What if we told you that “Who am I?” is the wrong question?
Asking “Who am I?” is like playing hide-and-seek with yourself. You can spend a whole life playing this and still not find the hider. If anything, it is a frustrating game, where you are both hiding from yourself and seeking yourself as well.
Alan Watts, a famous Zen philosopher, described this problem as a knife trying to cut itself, teeth trying to bite themselves, and fire trying to burn itself. It is a futile quest! Stop trying to solve a problem that does not exist. At the best, you will end in an endless loop, like a dog trying to bite its own tail.
Just be. Instead of asking “Who am I?” know that “I am.”
The moment you embrace this truth, you realize that there was no void in the first place, so how could you ever fill it.