Hi Clementine!

Something reminded me of you today, and of an old habit as well…

I was cleaning my closet when I found a hair strand of yours in my diary. And a sudden rush of memories took over. Lol, not memories of you 👻

I have been a hoarder for most of my life. I remember, in childhood, when Maa used to give away old items, like clothes, radio, and carpet to the others in need, I used to throw tantrums. I would cry, show anger, and not even talk to her for long.

For instance, even for an old carpet, I once complained, “How can you give this carpet away? I used to play on it! Do you not love me?” But Maa always told me not to be too attached to possessions, just that it never went into my head. I always thought of keeping every piece of memory close. But my views were about to be challenged.

Around the age of 3, my family had recorded a story listening session of mine, in which I kept questioning the logic in the story and sang here and there. As I grew up, still a kid though, I took the responsibility to keep this audiotape safe. But then life happened.

When I turned 16, we shifted to a new home. In the shifting process, my worst fear came true. When we were unpacking items in the new place, I could not find my audio cassette. Weeks passed, and the search continued. It was hard to accept that the cassette was lost, and the search went on. Once every few months, I used to get back on the search but all I found was pain.

The pain of losing it was so bad that it used to physically hurt in my head and stomach. No kidding! This went on for a couple of years and you can say that I took it to the extreme. Worried about my reaction, Maa finally told me the same old lesson in a more harsh way. She said,

Do not get over-attached to possessions. Just look at yourself. Your thoughts are causing you more pain than losing the actual cassette. If one day we all have to leave our body itself, how does it make sense to spoil your present time over a mere object?

This was a hard pill to swallow but much needed. Subconsciously, I always knew that I am overreacting. My sadness did need an initial expression when I lost the cassette, but now I was just dragging it. I could see that I was clinging to both the cassette and the disappointment of losing it. Maybe I was also trying to prove that how much I cared about it.

I thought about all the trouble I caused my family while looking for the cassette. It seemed so foolish!

And then, like a miracle, the moment I faced my own over-reaction, the attachment started fading. The suffering was gone.

Now, whenever I feel suffering, I ask myself, “What am I holding on to?” Life is more than the “things” we hold on to.

By the way, to be honest, my hoarding habit is not completely gone but reduced drastically. I still like to keep objects of memory but am not afraid of losing them anymore. And, if you are wondering what I did to your hair strand today, wait until the next time we meet 😉